tu te souviens?

2003-05-17T20:08:00.000-05:00

what was the whole POINT and PURPOSE of calling me up at 4 in the fucking morning!? what? to tell me that you'd call me tomorrow, & then never do it? to have me MAKE fucking plans with you, just so you can ditch me, and *not* let me get ahold of you all fucking day?
this is one of the shittiest things i've ever seen you do....!!!!EVER!

you just don't get it, do you! you have to stop behaving this way. you're heading for rock bottom. [STOP FUCKING LEADING ME ON] it is NOT appreciated. i hate you when you do these things. i hate it, and i hate you SO much.

you don't even understand how much i would be willing to DO for you! like, holy fuck. i really wanted to see you tonight, i haven't seen you in a really long time, and what, all of a sudden now you act as though you're too good for me? and you can't put aside a couple HOURS? it's noT that much to ask. i wanted to see you badly enough to clean my entire fucking HOUSE so that my mom had no reason to say no when i asked if someone could come over. i got fucking ready. for NOTHING. nothing. i guess that's what you're good for, nothing. you LOOVEEE proving me wrong, and making me feel like shit eh? well, guess what! it's not your fucking job, so get over it.

do you know that i called your mom's cell a billion times today? to get ahold of you? and i NEVER DO THAT. but i did! yes. i did. and finally, got ahold of your mom and LOW & BEHOLD she said that you'd already gone somewhere!! yeah, okay..i see the way this works. & don't think i won't remember this. cause you are certainly NOT getting away with this. oh no. waking me up out of a sound sleep to fucking yell at whomever you please on the streets and then say, 'well, i gotta go now, i don't want the battery to die in case we need it later. i'll call you in a couple hours'. and hang up!
get some fucking emotions, i'm so ashamed to WANT to see you now, cause you don't even have the balls to call up and cancel. i hope you know how LOW this is of you, after i asked you about a week AGO to do something tonight. and yet, here i am, once again, being BLOWN OFF by you, you fucking prick.

don't bother calling me to make up some lame excuse as to why you didn't call, and didn't come, cause i don't need any of your bullshit. in fact,i'm fed up with it. i KNOW you're probably seeing someone else, i don't really care, the thought never bothered me, even after my older brother and his friend saw you holding some girls hand walking home one night. i really don't care. and you can deny it alll you bloody well want, but i trust my brother and i know he wouldn't lie about something like that. so whatever, you go have fun drinking with your friends, and just remember how miserable you made me. i hope it sticks, and i hope you have trouble sleeping at night because you realized just how much of a FOOL YOU ARE to have thrown the best thing in your life away.

2003-04-12T00:18:00.000-05:00

you said it was a silly question, but at the time i never knew how silly it really was.
you asked me to go get high with you. i just grinned. and had a laughing fit. *teehee* thanks for that. genuine.

2003-03-29T13:07:00.000-06:00

for the sake of feeling, i'll show you how it's really done. one touch, and you'll be spun out... but you don't miss along ANY lines;
you can't even be genuine. be yourself. you attempted &&& failed. sick with grief, loss of sleep, all over you + your idiotic words that pranced around my mind, and barely scratched my hearts surface.
and everytime you form an attachment of any kind to someone you can't wait to throw it all away. tell me, why the hell you do this cause i don't understand. make me see. high hopes, anticipation for something you know will never show...you're the epitome of a bad song. chords arrayed, birds off-key, you're all that + more for making me feel like shit.
that wasn't your priviledge...misused and abused. i hope you lose yourself between the lines, if you read that closely. you're angry, upset, confused based on your PRESUMPTIONS...i never ditched you...you left me.
you get what you give..your 'just desserts'; & yeah, now you'll never hear me admit i miss you cause you blew your last chance. you REALLY did it this time. [no more influence on me]
i'll find my inspiration elsewhere, he's close to be found, and close to touch. and he's not you./so shove it.
[almost fell to my knees...blinding water flashs all around me, and the grit between the ground and the space where i can be found...
the water surrounds me, cave in if not for you, for me. all i want to listen to is your heart, but you won't let me in, you just push me farther. so be it.]

2003-03-10T21:48:00.000-06:00

you make me feel that everything in the world is magnified with essense.
everything's alive. ALIVE. you make things work. and maybe it's the smoke affecting my lungs, but i saw something different tonight that maybe i was too blind, or too naive to see/notice before.
you.
that's what i saw.
[and i'm sorry i burnt you with your own cigarette. that was a mistake. bad idea [k + booze + marijuana = nonono]
bjork invigorates me, and your soul makes me feel ...rejuvenized. [is that how you spell it?]
funny how times change...
he got me hooked, addicted, and now it's you i look to to turn to. [just me, or is that last bit a tad confusing?]
i wish i could have felt my thighs, and my ass didn't go all jelloid on me. not then, not now, not ever.
waltzing down maitland, shaking my ass and waving my hands...breakdancing to beastie boys, what MORE could you ask for? honestly.

i couldn't even spell my own name right... and i've had this incredible urge to sneeze for the past 5 minutes. that's what you've done to me. gotten me sick and all dizzy. but i don't mind ;o)

2003-03-10T12:10:00.000-06:00

i whispered 'shhh' though i knew you couldn't hear it, and the way my heart was beating, way too rapidly, changed my voice and caused it to waver. don't you love when things happen for the most strange reasons?

i can't get over this. this ... day is so complex and beautiful. and rare. :)

2003-03-08T14:05:00.000-06:00

you called me three times last night /// 3.
once at midnight, once at 2, and once at 3...we talked for a long time.
and tonight? when im kissing someone elses lips? i.ll picture it.s you. i.ll be wanting you hopin' that you.ll walk through that door.
understood?
it will be you who i.m with, not him.

[\\the internet.s turned me emo.]

2003-03-06T17:32:00.000-06:00

[if i were you, i probably wouldn.t care either...]

you know that feeling? the one where your throat feels all tight and sore because you know you.re about to cry? i'm experiencing that right now.
and you were STILL that asshole i told myself you weren.t last night. why. WHY!

when i think about all those times i made you smile... i just want to collapse in a heap on the floor. because i know that it's meaningless to you now.
however, if it isn.t and you still feel something, you are SUCH a perfect actor, cause i never see it. i did, but i don't anymore. no more calls from you, 'my friend'.... sure you are.
no matter how many times i try to tell myself NO, stop thinking about you, i only think of you more...can you explain how that is rational?
i would much rather be seeing andrew play at coffee house right now. why am i not there. [ .. ]

2003-03-03T18:17:00.000-06:00

i am now the one who finds beauty in all those mysterious, most unlikely places. good grief.

i'm mad cause i think too much, and care/feel too much...when there are those who go by in life not giving a fuck.
i miss too much. i'm mad cause there are those who think too little, care too little,regardless of the situation they are placed in.
i'm mad that these people even exist,
but i'm even more pissed that i'm in love with one of them.

[however. i cannot express this to you. knowing you, your reaction will be all too clear and hurtful... and i hate myself for that.\\\]

2003-02-26T14:52:00.000-06:00

i don't like boys the way they are...

put on whatever makes you attractive, if it's not you, then do it for the sake of fashion...
im starting to think that i'm kind of shy...or at least i'd like to be...
pedro the lion - when they get to really know you they will run

2003-02-25T15:44:00.000-06:00

LATE BREAKING NEWS:

i love him/ i'm in love with him.

how could i not? you satisfy my every wit and whim with your lovely self.. oh please tell me you are not just a figment of my imagination...please. OH pleaseeeee <3 <3 <3

2003-02-19T21:56:00.000-06:00

me: did you kiss her?
boyface: cute. no, i hugged her though.
me: since when did i become not special enough to hug? i'm NOT special enough for a hug?!!?
boyface: no, special enough for a kiss though
*insert me melting*

ahhhh!!!...
he also started singing to me on the phone...and did that lip thing that gets me EVERYTIME.

ohhh...boy, i love to love you sometimes..and i hate these emotions you pump into my veins...it's like adrenaline from the highest point....

sigh*

off to bed..sleepy bye...til you find me again...

2003-02-14T15:40:00.000-06:00

we both had dreams about each other last night.

coincidence? \\ i think not.

<3
[i'm still mad...but in a lesser way now.]

2003-02-10T19:15:00.000-06:00

me: i feel like a meat popsicle.
andrew: what's that.
me: its a popsicle. made of meat.
[duh]

.:

damn you boys, damn you straight to hell.
and laundry! you too!!!! bah\\\

latest obsession, and passion, and heat... all associated with [cry me a river]
so sue me; i'm a female. eat me.

2003-02-08T16:29:00.000-06:00

me says:
i guess i'm hanging onto the fact that you are YOU, and i like that. stop me if you've heard this before...
boyface says:
i've heard it before.. but i can never hear it enough

OH GOD. I'VE SUNK IN DEEPER SIMPLY BY READING WORDS.
WELL, I'M BARE-BONED AND CRAZY...FOR YOU.
[\\you wear nothing, but you wear it so well...]

2003-02-04T22:46:00.000-06:00

i like you just as you are.
don't change [ from this instant on, remain the same forever ...] and i shall infinitly be happy.
and call, when you say you will...
and eat ice cream when you say you will...
and give me that massage when i so desire it. [well, that's just a bonus]
<3 boyface.

2003-02-02T15:10:00.000-06:00

just give me chaka khan, and bacardi; i'm set.

[i just talked to him, and when he asked me if he could call me back in a bit since he had his buddy over, i reminded him of last night, and said only say that if you actually mean it, and have every intention of calling back. and he sorta laughed, and said he'd put his best effort in to call back and if he didn't, then there must be something wrong with his brain. well...we'll see about that.]

there's my little rant for now. <3

2003-01-27T17:58:00.000-06:00

['you're TOO much of a tease.'] <-- is what he said.
hah. if he had any idea...
wait til i get started ;) he's seen NOTHING yet.

<3 you. boy. you stupidface boy.

2003-01-25T21:43:00.000-06:00

sometimes i just hate to love you; this whole thing [this relationship...though right now it is strictly plutonic]
is driving me up the wall. it's a rollercoaster of emotions; one minutes i'm on a fucking high because of you
and the next...everything just came crashing down. take for example this morning, horrible horrible morning and then tonight? you called me...and we talked about crazy things...i wrote some things down;
'go back to your box'; 'sharpener frame like a 5 dollar bonus old school radio' was the crazy phrase you made up, spur of the moment, not SPARE of the moment.
'i'd rock that bentley in 10 seconds';
'it's not attitude, it's me.' and you are SO not jacking that line from me. [i like that, it's funny...' when you say that i just melt...]
my phrase? sneeze nose skunk lines never fails for peachy kicks...
'first thing i gotta do is turn off all the lights...i got a strobe light on! and my brother's jumping around with ski boots on.'
'tied up with 8 strobe lights...'[the japanese MUST have invented it]
'my life just got brighter in this room. [because of me...teehee*]
glow in the dark dinosaurs...they glow like muthafuckers. you and your army of dinosaurs...t-rex, that one with that longgg neck, and other shit like panthers, and THEN an army of glow in the dark men, we'll set it up at night...'
he threw a dino at the door, and i screamed 'don't hurt the glow in the dark dino!' he simply retorted ' i don't want you glowing in my dark.'
one day, i'm going to paint my whole house glow in the dark...blue&green. and it'll be SO much fun. how...interesting...
and THAT was our conversation. [along those lines,anyways...]

2003-01-25T12:17:00.000-06:00

back at point one.
everything was a dream. an illusion.
you don't take risks, and that's your problem.
i'm okay with this. i'm okay with the fact that you aren't looking deep enough. i'm OKAY with the fact that all you want is what your eyes can see. and you want someone to get drunk with you...someone who will drive you around, and take you through.
i'm so disappointed i can't even face my family let alone talk to you.
i have yet to meet someone who noticed me for who i was inside..but i still look! i still find that chances are possible, and maybe one day someone [you'll] notice me inside. and know that i cared for you when no one else did, when no one else paid any attention to you...just remember what i did.

2003-01-22T12:55:00.000-06:00

he[the one-humped camel] called me his sugar mama..
this calls for a celebration. <3 &hearts

SImplicitY.|
Ryan Adams - come pick me up
Beth Orton - daybreaker
Sinead O'Conner - nothing compares to you; jealous
Dashboard Confessionals - for you to notice
Depeche Mode - somebody; stripped
Emm Gryner - acid; beautiful things
Erasure - when i needed you
Fleetwood Mac - rhiannon
Gary Jules - mad world
Manic Street Preachers - small black flowers that grow in the sky
Paula Cole - feelin' love; i am so ordinary
Peter Gabriel - i grieve
Radiohead w/ Sneaker Pimps - climbing up the wall
Saves the Day - obsolete
Sneaker Pimps - drum n bass; six underground; black sheep
System of a Down - roulette; deer dance; chop suey
The Smiths - last night i dreamt that somebody loved me
Tori Amos - 1000 oceans; baker,baker
.:. for now... &heart

2003-01-20T19:24:00.000-06:00

you can keep my fingernails clean...
so make me clean.
///& i love how you called when you told me to call you;
so i see, love's not the only impatient one on the line.

hold fast, and hold strong.

i'll wait...

2003-01-19T21:32:00.000-06:00

sometimes i hate you, and your sly ways...
reading back on yesterdays entry, i feel completely the opposite...
i wanna be that girl that you fall in love with, when you look at me, i wanna see sparks fly;
i want to whip around my hair, all in slow motion, while my smile finally settles on your face...
i want that. and i want you to notice me that way.

think you could ever feel so much? want that way? love like this?

"wherever you're goin, i'd like to go too,
if you don't have anything better to do.
i'd love to spend
some more time together...
so what are you doing between now and forever?"

= perfectionism.

2003-01-18T19:55:00.000-06:00

FUCK YOU.

it's funny how you can so often shove things aside, just so your priorities can be reached. so you leave me out in the cold, here i am; freezing.
&&& what do you do? you are so obviously talking to someone you deem more important.
i was in the middle of pouring my heart out to you, and you just shut me out....and up.

no more tears.
no more.
none.

2003-01-13T21:49:00.000-06:00

random tidbits;

::..:k-ort-kn-ee:..:: says:
oh dear.... well in the meantime you can watch the AMAs and watch whorish people walk around...
kel [ only bother me if you're dying; or just really really important to ME ] says:
ama's?
::..:k-ort-kn-ee:..:: says:
american music awards
kel [ only bother me if you're dying; or just really really important to ME ] says:
i was like...maybe she means llamas...but i have NO idea why she would relate them to this particular situation. haha

2003-01-04T17:23:00.000-06:00

i love your lips, and the way they so subtly change positions every so often.\\
i love the cute things you speak of, and the way you tilt your head ...
i love the way that snow reflects the night sky, the crimson hitting the night lights, and the wavering snow tipsily falling;

¢¾/tu me manques, tu me manques
tu me donnes des frissons [so fucking true.]
//;
¢¾